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What Am I? Wikipedia?

The children and I are on a quest for knowledge. Not on the same quest though. The children are curious and inquisitive about the world around them. I, on the other hand, just want to know where exactly in the world I am. I'll show you what I mean.

Things I spend my middle-aged days wondering about:

Why am I standing in front of the open refrigerator? Have I been here long?
What are we going to eat for breakfast? Do oatmeal cookies count as breakfast?
What am I doing in my closet and why am I holding this spatula?
How come I'm the only one who knows how to change a roll of toilet paper? Should I be glad that I still possess this skill? One day will I forget how?
Why does the van marked Prisoner Transport keep stopping at the house next door? Should I be worried about this?

My children do not understand that my brain is ninety percent cotton and befuddlement and because of this they zing questions at me out of the blue and all day long.

They are such hopeful children.

There is not a chance that I will be able to help them but they keep plying me with queries. Here are a few that I have fielded in the last week or so:

How many miles an hour can a hummingbird fly?
How many squirrels are there in the world?
Does dental floss get bigger if you heat it?
Do you need keys to drive a submarine?
If you are allergic to cats would you be allergic to lions as well?

I have a standard reply for these brain teasers: How the heck am I supposed to know! Go look it up.

It's a one size fits all answer.

Except for the dental floss.

My response to that one was: What in tarnation do you need to know that for? Do you think this stuff up just to torment me? (They do. I'm sure of it.)

So now I've got one for you. Do women regain their mental faculties sometime after their forties or is it all downhill from here? If it's all downhill feel free not to answer.


ocean mommy said…
You crack me up!

I have found myself in front of the fridge asking myself the same sort of questions....

Oh motherhood...
Heather C said…
ROFL! Sometimes you just plumb crack me UP, woman! Love this post! Yes... you've gone crazy. But it's ok... many of us are right there with ya, so you're in good company at least. :)

ValleyGirl said…
Ummmmm.... no comment, I guess! It's because we're in charge of EVERYTHING, dang it. At least that's what I tell myself.

If I had no responsibilities and cares in this world, I'd know EXACTLY why I needed the spatula in my closet!! ;)
jodi said…
LOL! I can SOOOO relate!
LOL about the dental floss and being allergic to lions! Yes, I suffer from the same ailment - I call it the Mom Brain. I think it will improve -I'm not sure exactly when - but will be evidenced by things such as being able to actually have a 5 minute convo w/ your hubby that doesn't get interrupted! How can our brains put anything into short term memory when our every thought is cut short? ;-)
Joy said…
Hilarious! Thanks for giving me the ability to laugh at myself this morning.
Luke said…
I find myself in similar situations and I don't even have my kids yet!

As for the dental floss, I'd suggest they take some and try heating it up. Anyone try it? My guess is that it does, indeed, get bigger due to excited molecules, but not so much bigger that you'd notice.

Anyone try it?

LOL! I feel your pain. I guess it is the mark of intelligent children that they come up with the crazy questions to begin with! As for the mental faculties getting better...hmmm.

mommyandwife said…
Hilarious! You are a great writer. Yes, our labor day was lazy, but we did have huge home improvements tasks that we were supposed to be doing...that counts for something right?

Nope. You can't see anything different.

I stuck a piece of standard dentist's flouride dental floss in the microwave for 15 seconds, then 30, and finally a whole minute. They don't look different, even under a 10x magnifier. And I just can't focus it on 40x. However, when I stuck them in my mouth on a whim, the texture was different. One tasted thicker but I don't remember whether it was the one I heated or not. They got tangled up when I tried to remove them from the microscope.

Oh well. You'll have to try it.

Mama JJ said…

I think I heard somewhere that you actually get smarter from being a mom. That's downright scary, I think.

Luke said…
Thanks for giving it a "go" for me, John. I'm glad this question has been answered [smile].

Mary@notbefore7 said…
ROFL...I hope it gets better! I ask myself so often...what did I come up here for? LOL! Still racking my brain trying to remember an email I just "had to type" this AM, you know...before I forgot.


My kids have yet to come up with questions like this. I have a feeling it is coming!
40winkzzz said…
I see I am a bit behind on my reading here. And just the time when you are not behind in your posting; it figures. :-)

Sorry to tell you, but in my experience, mental function does *not* improve after 40; in fact, quite the opposite is true. It was shortly after i turned 40 that most of my brain cells decided to take an extended leave of absence. They have yet to return, though they do send the occasional postcard. And honestly, more brain cells seem to fly the coop to join them with every passing year.

However, my mother says they start to return after the children are all out of the house.

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